I Can't Watch! It's Just Too Painful!

While at lunch with Kathy and Keith today, the talk turned to what movies we'd seen lately and whether they'd been worth our time. I tend to give credence to their recommendations because Keith is an accomplished actor and Kathy is a sprite with a delicious sense of whimsy. (They're married to each other, which works out nicely.)

Kathy suggested that if I hadn't seen it, I'd be pleasantly surprised by "O, Brother, Where Art Thou?", a film I've always ignored because the notion of the gorgeous George Clooney as a hillbilly is ludicrous on its face. But I trust the source of the kudos, so I am inclined to give it a go, especially since the local library has a copy and it will cost me nothing to borrow.

Some of those freebies, however, can stay shelved until Vince Vaughn wins an Oscar, for all I care. There is pulp fiction and there is pulp film, and I have no use for either medium.

In case of any confusion, what follows is my personal Bucket List of movies that should have been dropped in the bucket moments after going to DVD:

Any film featuring Lindsay Lohan, Aston Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Nicolas Cage, Matthew McConaughey, Seth Rogen, or any of the three twits in "The Darjeeling Express." (Oh, wait. Didn't Seth Rogen portray two of them?)

Any film starring Meg Ryan, Jack Nicholson, Reese Witherspoon, Molly Ringwald, Billy Bob Thornton, and/or Ben Stiller. Speaking of which, it's time to give Robert DeNiro his Lifetime Achievement Award and get him off the podium if he commits one more episode of the Fockers. Ditto Dustin Hoffman.

Any self-described romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor comedic and that headlines one of those interchangeable blondes. I can't tell Kate Hudson from Amanda Seyfried, and it doesn't matter a whit.

Movie versions of long-running TV series, including, but not limited to, "Hannah Montana," "High School Musical," "Sabrina the Teenaged Witch," "Fame," "South Park," and "The Simpsons." If Marge, Homer, and family can make it to the big screen, can "Glee" and "The Office" be far behind? (I don't count the Muppet movies in this prohibition; I still love them.)

Any of the high-testosterone flicks our library was obliged (before RFID tagging)to keep behind the circ desk because they tended to go walk-about with 13- to 15-year-old patrons. High-speed car chases, megaton explosions, bloody gun battles, and extreme potty mouth do not a stimulating, cerebral drama make.

National Lampoon's Anything.

Tyler Perry's Anything.

"Scary Movie 1, 2, OR 3."

"Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz."

Remakes of classic films---"The Women," "The Philadelphia Story," "The Out-of- Towners," "Cheaper by the Dozen." I did indeed appreciate the HBO miniseries, "Mildred Pierce," but the Joan Crawford original on TCM can still reel me in.

Despite the rigid criteria, I am left with more options for home entertainment than one might imagine, not counting animated features, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and all those television series now available on DVD. (The library's CSI collection alone could keep me housebound for months, as could all those episodes of "House" and three seasons of "The Tudors.")

Know what? I'd still rather read a book.