Every fiscal year, when at last I sit down with the many-paged questionnaire provided by the accountant who prepares my taxes, I feel as though I have been taken over by the spirit of Ed Norton. Not the actor Edward Norton, the unforgettable character Ed Norton portrayed on "The Honeymooners" by the equally unforgettable Art Carney.
A classic "Norton" schtick involved his elaborate preparations to sign a document---typically an agreement into which Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) was attempting to inveigle him. Shooting non-existent cuffs and adjusting equally invisible lapels, he stretched his fingers, cracked his knuckles, squared the paper just so, picked up the pen, and made several passes and flourishes in the air before getting it anywhere close to the dotted line, ultimately driving the short-fused Ralph beserk.
As a writer, I know all about procrastination and its uses, and believe me, I've used it. There is something about those official numbered forms, receipts, and year-end statements, however, that bring my inner Norton to full, fluttering flower.
(Please note: Norton and I are both clients of the noted Wall Street firm, Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Ziggy.)
First, I select an auspicious day and clear my calendar, opting always to begin in the forenoon. I like to think my mind is fresher then, particularly if I've greeted the sun with yoga stretches. A nutritious but light breakfast ensues. (Hmm, will coffee make me more alert or just twitchy?)
Now I assemble the materials: legal pad, mechanical pencil with eraser (which I should fill with leads and replace the eraser, if I can find any), a pen (which could also use a refill), mini binder clips bought specially to attach documents to pertinent pages, color-coded file folders, solar-powered calculator (which needs charging, so put it on the window sill), and the bulging folder into which I have been tossing receipts for charitable contributions, property tax bills, and all those envelopes marked "Important Tax Documents Enclosed" that I never bothered to open. Sticky notes! Where's the stapler?
Now I need my checkbooks and registers for the past year. Wow, this file box is a mess! It would take just a sec to put these registers in order---where are the rubber bands? Oh, and look here, it's time to re-order checks.
As long as I have the checkbooks out, might as well take care of some bills; the mail carrier will be here soon. Speaking of whom---I probably should shovel the front walk and put down some ice-melter; the walk looked slippery this morning.
Okay, I'm back. I fed the cats, moved the wet laundry to the dryer, started the dishwasher, and wound the grandfather clock. I've earned a Diet Pepsi; if I'm working at the dining room table, I need a coaster. And I need music. Who is more conducive to financial computation---Oscar Peterson, Tony Bennett, or P.D.Q. Bach?
I'm getting awfully hungry; I can't think on an empty stomach. Do this after lunch? Or start fresh tomorrow? Norton was always up for a nosh; he'd understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment